(Disclaimer: This week’s blog will be a little different as it will have more to do with some of the spiritual aspects of me spending this much time in the woods. So if you primarily read the blog to learn about the Appalachian Trail and/or you don’t know me very well, I’ll make this blog an optional read.)

What follows is my recollection of events that brought me to tears the other day while hiking. Even as I begin to type I’m hesitant to go on. I don’t like to talk about crying. I’d rather laugh or tell you a joke. Since becoming an adult, I’ve only cried one other time that was unrelated to the death of a Grandparent. Yes, I’ve occasionally teared up during a World Vision video, a touching movie, or a moving song. But something about the fact/logic/man part of my brain would rather avoid uncontrollable sobbing. But that’s just it; all times mentioned above were not within my control. And all times were confirmation that God cares and is very near.

Blogfession
I’ll start with my journal entry the day before. I typically don’t journal long prayers to God like this in the woods, rather I use my journal for the scenery, mileage, and other events of the day. Mind you, I spent the weekend before at a conference sitting under top-notch, world-class teaching and relearning everything I ever knew about Jesus. However, as we drove away from the conference in Baltimore back to the trail I was brimming with anxiety. 1.) Would my leg be healed? and 2.) Is this hike/blog what I’m supposed to be doing?

So, starting with the basics, I was trying to evaluate where I stood with God. After this conference I felt like, yes, this is the Jesus I’ve always known. But, as my parents will attest of me from a young age, I have a very hard head and can be very stubborn. So in my spiritual journey, when I reach a paradox, rather than humbling myself and realizing we are not meant to know all the mysteries of God, I am the clay that questions the potter. I felt like I needed to talk to Jesus about God.

All of that led to my journal entry on 5/28:

“Where am I to begin? What am I to do? Am I at a crossroads? What do I believe? Why do I feel like I don’t know enough to share? Is what I’m not confident of enough to keep me from not sharing? Are You angry with me? Was I ungrateful for my work and pay last year? Is hiking not what You want me to do? Is the stress and anxiety of being out here part of the greater lesson I have to learn? I don’t want to be clay that talks back. But I want to feel like clay that’s being used and not hopping off the table. How do You feel that I contemplate or get hung up on the toughest issues? Have I embraced the wrong gospel or wrong God? ‘Show me your glory…my goodness will pass by…I will have mercy on whom I have mercy…compassion on whom I will.’ I need wisdom. What should I do, believe, think? Nobody deserves to be born again, rescued from the deadness of their rebellion?! I take some comfort knowing I’m not the only one who struggles with this.”

Spiritual Anorexia
My lack of humility as the clay really stems from what I feel is my own spiritual anorexia. I’m sure this analogy has been used before, but it’s the state of an unhealthy Christian who takes in just enough Bread to survive, but not enough to thrive. We SAs can recite recipes, but not remember where they came from. We can tell you what wine would compliment what doctrine, but you’ll never see us enjoying them by putting them into practice. The only difference between spiritual and physical anorexia…you can’t always tell an SA from the outside. If you’re like me, grown up in the church, spent years working in and around the church, I know how to look just fine on the outside. But it’s not enough to talk about good food, you’ve got to eat! And eventually share it…

So, by God’s grace, He rekindles an interest in the feast that He has prepared for us. But rather than dwell on His promises, my need, His work, my hope, I tend to ask “why” questions to which Paul wrote Romans 9:20. Not that we shouldn’t think deeply to understand as much of God as He revealed to us, but a recovering anorexic can’t go straight back to the buffet and expect to be able to handle all that rich food. When you’ve been away from food for a while, you need to humbly reintroduce yourself to some basic meals you’ve known your whole life.

Grumpy Mercy Clay
But I wanted answers from God. Part of my reason for wanting to go on this hike (remember the intro video line, “and several more personal reasons, but I’ll share those with you when I get more comfortable with you being around…” I guess I’m more comfortable now) was to “work out my salvation,” but instead of with “fear and trembling,” I started with “doubt and demand.” I struggle with this doctrine that “vessels of wrath” even exist (Romans 9:22). It’s heavy stuff. It deals with God’s sovereign choice, justice, holiness, purpose…everything really. As I type this now, I don’t have and don’t know that there is an answer.

So, 5/29 I started the hike as usual and decided to listen through Romans on MP3. I had been listening to sermons and Scripture during the first two months of the trip, but this time was different. By the time I got to Romans 7, I was feeling pretty bad about myself, and God met me right where I was. I didn’t have words to say how I felt. I’ve felt connected to Paul in 7:15-23 during other “sin struggles” in my life, but this time around the struggle was doubt. And I began to feel terrible about it. Well, I began to feel 7:24 about it. The tears were flowing…but…

ROMANS 8! I’m not condemned for doubting! More tears. Oh man…I don’t need to be a slave to fear. Rather, I’m an adopted son! Thankfully, when I lacked the words to speak, the “Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (8:26-28). More tears…

Wrestle Humbly
So, is my leg healed? I think…yet I still feel aches and pains, hopefully none of which are hike-threatening. Is this hike/blog what I’m supposed to be doing? Well, that’s a whole other topic, namely, the will of God. To which I reply…as long as I’m able to grow in my knowledge of the Word and do my best job at using the hike/blog as a “work” opportunity, I’m trusting God will continue to use this pursuit to teach me lessons I otherwise wouldn’t learn, and He’ll make an alternate path obvious when I need to change directions. And are all my “why” questions answered? Well, ultimately the most loving thing He can do is show us His glory. Therefore, I’m at peace taking my hike and journey one day at a time; planning, yet not demanding. Pondering, yet not despairing. I’m thankful that God used His word to humble me, teach me, and lead me on. Three verses that seemed to have been written for me right now: Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all yours ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” And Proverbs 4:6 “Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.”

I don’t really like being vulnerable either. However, in this situation the only way God gets the glory is if I tell my story. I trust it will either encourage you not to stray from the disciplined path you’re already on, or if you’re like me, encourage you to recommit yourself to being a better Christian Hedonist, to use a John Piper term. Are we finding out highest joy in who God is and what He’s said?